I'm just a ball of frustration right now.

I've finally got everything on the way-sorted. Makes no sense, I know but yeah, everything's getting there.

Final year project - once ethics is approved, I can start. I'm just finding it difficult to be organised, went to the office to hand some forms in and oops I forgot I'm grabbing the last part of the form on Wednesday -___-" had to do the awkward "oops, I'll come back in 2 days time."

This week's worth of lectures were dead. Actually, today's was quite interesting, the lecturer was funny, he kept cracking jokes - some were awkward where no one actually understood the meaning behind them and others were dirty jokes. He actually said something along the lines of "it's better to do it in a group than to do it alone - actually, let's not go down that route" omg. Even though I had been up since 9:30am (I know, it's not that early compared to some people - but I've been sleeping at ridiculous times, starving myself of sleep and just being a bad sleeper in general these past few months) I managed to crack a smirk sometimes at his crude jokes.

What else? Oh yeah, applications. I got approval from 2 academic people from the psych dept to be my refereeeees yaaaaay. I was so happy that part was out of the way - I just never know how to approach people when to ask for a favour. Should I do it by email? Or by person? Generally, I think it's better to ask in person because the response time is quicker (I'd rather ask than sit around waiting for an email). So the references part is out the way, I just needed to do my personal statement of 3000 characters - easy enough right? Wrong. Now 3000 characters is nothing, it's barely a page typed up on word, the hard thing is to express myself concisely within the limit. I tend to waffle around too much and get sidetracked talking about irrelevant things but I'm glad that I managed to produce something that expresses why I want to be an SLT. I was surprised at how professional it sounds actually! Talking about my third year project sounds so surreal for some reason, I feel like a researcher applying for some research position with the words "In my final year project..." anyway... before I submit everything, I've sent it off to my academic tutor for it to be checked over. After all, this is quite an important thing in my life at the moment, it's the thing that matters to me the most right now just because the deadline is so near. The bottom line is, I will definitely be doing a Masters - the difference is whether I have to pay £7000 tuition or not - goodbye another 1-2 years of my life.

So as you can imagine, my life has been full of university-related stuff. Nothing much exciting has happened, I've met a bunch of new people from going out around summer time - it's nice to talk to new people sometimes, because I can be impartial with the things I say. Not sure if impartial is the right word in this context but I mean that I don't have to think about what I say with the fear of "what if x tells y about z" you know? Sometimes talking to someone who is out of your circle of friends is quite therapeutic because they can be an unbiased judge to the situation (if there is a situation). Not that I don't care about my circle of friends but you just don't know who you can trust sometimes (yes, I trust no one, I've learnt the hard way that it's just best not to give everyone your all - anyone can betray you when the time is right for them... let's not go into that dark side of the topic though).

My dad bought a brand new car - 62 plate. I was actually surprised he would - the first thing he splashes his cash on is a brand new car. I must say though, I love it so much, even though I won't get to drive it yet, it's so lovely, the interior is so comfortable and you just get that nice new smell once you're inside. I might be going over the top haha. But yeah, nice cars are lovely - obviously. It's a shame Mum isn't letting him drive it around everywhere no matter how much he wants to, awww. Earlier, Mum was talking to me saying "Dad wants to go here and there just so he can get to drive his new car around." He is seriously a prime example of "boys and their toys" - once he picked it up, I spent an hour sitting in the car listening to him show off all the new gadgets and technology it has. Yeah, keep making me jealous, Dad :(

My room is getting a full refurbish in the next couple of months! I'm quite excited for this because well, I hate my room with a passion, it's like dancing around glass when I come in here. I knock one thing over, 5 other things fall with it. I've outgrown my bed as well. Only downside is that I'll be room-less for a month or 2, I'll be sleeping in my brother's room, noooooooo. Sharing a room is going to be a pain with him because the spare bed is crap and how is a nocturnal person (me) supposed to sleep in the same room as someone who has a normal sleep pattern (him)? This'll be fun.

I'm also getting a MacBook Pro courtesy of Mum and Dad haha. Nah, it's my 21st birthday present actually. I was having trouble deciding between iPad 3 or MacBook. The obvious choice would be MacBook, I know, but I wanted to consider something more lightweight, can watch movies on, can bring around everywhere with you etc. But I decided that it's time my 5 year old laptop takes a break from all the abuse I dish it, it's been a good companion but it's time for it to retire. I've managed to persuade them to buy me the i7 processor one (sorry, I'm going to be a liiiiittle geeky here...), my brother has the i5 processor one, it's fast, don't get me wrong but with the i7 processor out now, why wouldn't you spend an extra £300 to get the newer version rather than opt for the older version? I haven't tested out i7 processor yet, I know many Windows models have it too but the MacBook being arguable the most powerful laptop out there at the moment, you'd be a fool not to accept. Actually, I had this argument with myself, I've used Windows since like what? Windows 95 - switching over to Apple OS will be a big change, I'm definitely going to install Windows on my MacBook as well so I can get the best of both worlds (this isn't actually illegal!) It's just getting used to the functions on MacBook is going to be hard for me who's always liked the simplicity of Windows... I'll stop being a nerd now.

Sooo... This was just a thorough update on my life at the moment. Not much going on life-wise apart from parents being constantly at home now because Chef For You has hung up the wok. They're abandoning me for 6 weeks at the end of January next year. Dad gets to spend his birthday in Hong Kong - I bet he's super happy. New car, new bedroom, new laptop. Apart from that, university, university, university. Third year has been indeed stressful from the get go. I get anxious making plans outside of study because I only get Sundays off work now. And Sunday happens to be a family day so... Yeah. My life currently revolves around my family (oh god, speaking of family, I had to teach both of my parents to use an iPhone - they both have one now even though I have no idea why they would need one EACH...) and studies. I do miss my friends but this is the most important year of my life so if any of you are reading this, please forgive my lack of communication and introvertedness. I've decided to be a total introvert and nerd this upcoming year, I'm married to my textbooks for now but I still love you all!        

Never driving in UGGs again.

Just read an article about how some woman crashed her car as her ugg boot got stuck under the pedal. To be honest, I've never been comfortable driving in uggs, they expand my feet by about 1.5x so my foot ends up being bigger than the pedal. Obviously, that's not right. I can just about drive in uggs and high heels, but even if I do, it's only for short distances, I'd never take the risk and drive in incorrect shoes long distance, especially to uni where I have to drive on roads of all different speeds up to 70-80mph. Actually I always imagine some freak accident happening like in Final Destination where maybe my brake is broken and I crash off into the water below the fast road.

Anyway, the woman is banned for 4 months and fined £350. A bit of a tap on the wrist really, it was her responsibility to wear comfortable shoes to drive in. It's been known for AGES that uggs are a danger when driving, along with flip flops and high heels.

Oh well, shit happens. Back to work.

Busyness - continued.

Aside from being cryptic.

I've been so busy this week again. I literally have no time for anything - yes, I have days off but those days off are days off from lectures - not days off from work. I'm literally doing work 6 days a week for uni and then Sunday is my only day off where I do nothing. Life is hard as a 3rd year, in a way, I'm glad to be introverted, it might sound selfish of me but I quite literally feel like I have no time for anyone/anything. I'm just focusing on work and keeping healthy by doing badminton and drinking gallons of tea.

These 3 days have been a bit of madness actually starting from Tuesday, woke up in a panic thinking I've missed my PA meeting, to realising that it's actually on the following day at 10:30am. Tuesday, I had a meeting at 2pm which lasted a full hour until 3pm - got home around 4pm with all the school run traffic. Mum's iPhone arrived so I had to set that up, tried to set my Dad's iPhone up too but looks like my brother's shitty hand-me-down iPhone 3GS wasn't cutting it. Went into Hounslow with Dad to try and sort it out but to no avail. Today, I had my early meeting with my PA, ended short so I ran over to the computer lab to get some ethics approval forms sorted again, ended up arriving late to my lecture. Lecture ended early, ran off to the computer lab again with my research group and eventually did all the ethics approval submission things and finally booked a spot for risk assessment of our project. Phew. Got home, as soon as I stepped into the doorway I was greeted by my Dad - "WE'RE GOING OUT TO BUY ME AN IPHONE TOO! COME COME!", so I was back out again. Bought the damn iPhone (I don't even know why my tech-challenged Dad is getting an iPhone - he can barely use his crappy Samsung Tocco Lite), got home, set it up, got their screen protectors sorted. Gosh, I feel like I've done so much this week. I definitely need a little wind down tomorrow before I start doing my reading for Occ psy.

So that's pretty much my week in a nutshell. Next week will be just as stressful because the ethics deadline is due and I'll be finally starting my personal statement for my application to UCL - scary times.    

Words cut deep.

Why do we judge what we cannot see?
Why do we assume when we don't know?
Why are we so afraid to say what we really mean sometimes?
Why do we have to cover up everything with flowery words?
Why can't we ever be honest with ourselves?
Why do we hide the bad side of us to make an impression just to be accepted as part of society?
Why do we want to be accepted?
Why do we try so hard for some people who don't make an effort for us?

Sometimes we seem to only see what's in front of us, judge things how we see them, assume things that may not be true, but we will never know the truth unless we are honest with ourselves and the people around us.

Sunday evening.

Sunday evening, supposed to be relaxing but I have work to do.

I'm trying so hard not to fall behind on the first week because once you fall behind, it'll be so hard to catch up and the more you fall behind the more impossible it becomes to catch up.

So I've still got about 3 papers to read, supposed to be consolidating my notes on Wednesday's lecture today (because I got lazy on Thursday so I'm already a day behind). I guess I'll do that in a moment.

Mum and Dad bought a new car today. Yes, a brand new car, 2012 reg. I'm kinda jealous, it'll make my little Mazda look like crap. Speaking of Mazda, my Dad is officially transferring ownership over to me so in a month or so, it'll officially be mine (not that it isn't already, I'm already the main policy holder for the insurance... just to make things official you know?). Haggling over at the dealership was such a long process today. Mum wanted £2k for the car but of course their shitty banged up old Nissan Primera isn't worth that much. At first they only offered us £2k discount off the marked price of the car (part exchange + contribution from the dealership), but we managed to haggle an extra £1000 off the price of the car which was great. Basically, my parents ended up leaving with the deal they wanted. I love how they always threaten to leave whenever they hear an unfavourable deal. The sales guy was all panicky because we were about to leave haha.

Ergh, the thought of having uni tomorrow depresses me. I'll have even more work to do then.

Time to go get some work done now.

Hacking cough, deadlines, meetings - what else?

Stress of life is making me tres ill. 

I've had some nagging persistent cough for about 3 days now as well as other random sorts of ill health symptoms. I wouldn't say I'm at the point where I'm bed-bound ill but this to me is a nuisance. Either I've caught onto someone's fresher flu being on campus or I've caught a bit of freshers flu myself. I can't lie down without breaking into random coughing fits. FML. 

Deadlines. I have a deadline on the 18th to submit my ethics for approval, that's pretty much done now anyway but it's a deadline nonetheless. The word deadline just makes my stress meter rise a tiny bit even if I know it's already done. Just having that something to remember and think about is quite stressful already. 

I have meetings with my personal advisor and project supervisor which neeeeeds to be done. I need to request references from them as well to apply for masters. I was undecided but I guess I've decided again. I was considering other things but after speaking to my brother I think I've decided to stick with plan A. Plan B will be the MRes -> PhD route. I'm not too big on doing a PhD, can you imagine another 3 years of university on top of your original 3 years? I mean, fair enough if I get a job out of it but holy shit, 3 years of my life spent learning and another 3 spent on research? I'm not too sure. I wouldn't be sure what my parents would say either, I mean, can you imagine me with a PhD? I can't LOL. Mum and Dad would probably be like "YOU WON'T FIND A HUSBAND." - for those of you who don't get it, my parents are them traditional parents that just want their kids to hurry up and get married after education. Also, they'd have a problem with me being "overeducated" to marry if you get what I mean - would men feel belittled dating someone with higher educational qualifications than them? Sounds like a very old fashioned thing. 

But for some reason, I myself wouldn't want to marry a guy with lower qualifications than myself. That's just a personal view, no offense to anyone. Of course, it would be a different story if his earnings were more than me.

Thank god it's Saturday tomorrow. I've had such a hectic week getting used to uni, applying for my parking permit, getting final bits of the first part of my project together for the first deadline, buying books (crater in my bank account already), printing papers to read for the week, deciding on dissertation supervisors, deciding on dissertation topic, coming home on Wednesday thinking I can have a lie in after a long 3 days and finding out I have an eye test the next morning, then also realising that I have to be up early on Friday to visit the care home. Crazy week. Definitely not used to being busy.. yet. 

First week of being a finalist student at university - survived.

So, as the title suggests, yes I am alive after a very tiring 3 days. 

Of course, after spending the past 2 months sleeping at ridiculous times, it will take a few more weeks until I can get over the tiredness associated with waking up at 9:30am to get into uni for my 11am lecture. The life of a commuter is indeed a difficult one. Though, I'm not one to complain since I'm saved from having to take public transport because of my trusty little motor. 

I really have no idea how these 3 days have been so tiring. My week throughout term 1 doesn't sound all that bad. 3 x 11am lectures Mon-Weds for 2 hours each day. I guess the drive to uni is quite long and tiring, I loathe driving, I'd rather be driven around if anything. If anything, in the future, I refuse to be a wife that drives her husband around. 

Anyhow, my project is underway, I work with 2 other people so it's not all that bad. I'd rather a smaller group than a large project group - easier to communicate with 2 people rather than 5 if you get what I mean. 

In terms of my dissertation, I'm actually still on square one. Speaking of dissertation, the deadline in choosing a supervisor is looming and I've only made a rough choice - incase I actually forget to submit my choices, I've submitted a rough one, just an idea of who I might like to have (hey, you never know what could happen, I call it the 5-months-of-being-out-of-education-amnesia). But with only 2 days until the deadline, I don't think I have time to personally meet any of the potential supervisors, but rather I'd have to just read their little research descriptions on the Psychology page and decide from that.

On top of that, I've actually decided to try and meet my personal advisor before I apply for UCL. Though, I'm not sure if she'd be of much help. The toughness of getting into MSc for SLT is so high that I might need to reconsider what I would do if it turns out I won't be able to do the course because of a lack of experience compared to other people. I need to write my statement for that too... Darn. I need to get references too, I actually don't know whether to apply this year. A big problem is that I don't know if I can ask Courtenay for a reference since she doesn't really know me, at the moment, I only have one solid referee and that's my personal advisor. I might actually decide to do one year of research instead at UCL and then... either go into PHD or do another masters at UCL for speech and language therapy. So confusing. I need to talk to my advisor about this. But can you really imagine me with a BSc, MRes AND MSc? I'll be so overqualified. Boo.